A Letter to the Boys in My Sixteenth Year
I don’t want to say I didn’t know boys existed before this year, but honestly, boys as a whole really were not on my radar. One of you changed all that. During this past year I have come across perhaps the clichéd typical first three boys: the guy you thought you were in love with, the rebound, and the “what are we doing with each other” guy. I am sharing this so maybe some girl out there can read this and finally not feel like she is alone or crazy. Before I begin remember two things: It is okay not to be okay, and it really does get better.
Dear Boy #1,
The funny thing is I could write you a different letter every day with a completely different sentiment, and basically did for quite some time. Even now there are some days where you have me feeling on top of the world, and others where I feel like I am crumbling beneath it all. There is a quote that says “I almost thanked you for teaching me about survival back there. But then I remembered the ocean never handed me the gift of swimming, I gave it to myself.” I do not want to thank you for anything. You put me in the situation, but at the end of the day I taught myself. I will say this: thank you for the fun times and all the laughs, and yes thank you for being my first kiss, but we both know that is not the whole story. I was naïve and hopeful, and I really liked you and you took advantage of that. You hurt me and I always let you come back whenever you wanted. I will say this, thank you, in a weird way, for allowing me closure. I know where I stand with you, and at the present I am okay with that place. Honestly, I cannot say I will always be able to say that sentence truthfully, but today I am. There are some days where I am upset that you aren’t mine, but the bigger picture is that I am not yours either, so why the hell did I ever let you influence what I thought of myself? I ended up getting a lot out of this though. I think I became stronger, more understanding, and I truly learned a lot about people. At the end of the day, I don’t hate you, but I hate that I can never jump into something with that blind faith and trust again. (And thank you for letting me yell at you in your car the other day that I never said I love you, even though we both knew I was lying.)
Dear Boy #2,
Thank you for giving me a means to start getting over boy #1. I also would really like to apologize because I genuinely think I was so rude to you sometimes. I was hurt and constantly on the defense. Thank you for putting up with that. Thank you for never giving me any false hope or any misconceptions for where I stood with you. The crazy thing is there are some nights you make me feel like crap and I would still say you are the guy who treats me the best.
Dear Boy #3,
I honestly don’t know what to say to you because I don’t even know what is going on. I don’t think I have ever been more confused about a situation than I constantly am about this one. You come and you go whenever you please, and I know I do nothing to prevent this, but it just leaves me constantly questioning where we stand. Months ago I had a lot of hope that this would turn out better, different than it has now. Again, as the story usually goes, you don’t know what you want, and honestly neither do I. I still cannot tell if I was excited and hopeful about you, or excited and hopeful that you wouldn’t be like boy #1. I don’t know where you go for days on end with no text, no communication, but at least I am not surprised by it anymore. Just please don’t hurt me as bad as the first one did.
Thanks for your time,